Gnus and You

A Dissertation

Submitted to the Graduate School

of the University of Notre Dame

in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements

for the Degree of

Doctor of Philosophy

by

Gerald G. Gnastich

Gary Greenfield, Director

Graduate Program in Gnuology

Notre Dame, Indiana

April 2019

© Copyright 2019

Gerald G. Gnastich

Gnus and You

Abstract

by

Gerald G. Gnastich

In this thesis, I will tell all that I know about Gnus. Gnus are wonderful little creatures that inhabit the center of the earth and give us wonderful and plentiful trees, dirt, and other earthly-things.

In short, we should love and cherish the Gnus. They can be very friendly, and are often mistaken for squirrels on the University of Notre Dame campus. Feed them whenever possible. If they get caught in trash cans, tip them over so that they can get out.

This abstract is going to continue on, including a few formulae, just for the sake of spilling over on to two pages so that we can see the author's name in the top right corner:

a2 + b2 = c2

E = mc2

e/m = c2

a2 + b2 = e/m

These equations, by themselves mean nothing. But to the common Gnu, they define a whole way of living. While intricate mathematical implications certainly do not inflitrate the majority of humans' lives, every Gnu, from birth, is imbued with a sense of mathematical certainty and guidance. All Gnus, great and small, feel at one with mathematics. The cute furry bit is just a scam for their calculating minds.

This dissertation will not address this subject at all, but I felt compelled to mention it here. Mainly so that we can spill over to two pages and see my name at the top of the second. Don't you think that Gnus are good things?

This is for George, my favorite Gnu.

Contents

Figures	iv

Tables	v

Preface	vi

Acknowledgments	vii

Chapter 1: Introduction	1

1.1 Overview	1

1.1.1 Background	1

1.1.2 Foreground	3

1.2 Groovin’ Gnus	8

Chapter 2: Gnu Things Are Good Things for All Graduate Students	10

2.1 Gnu See, Gnu Do, Gnu Goes Golfing with Green Golf Genes and Gesticulates Gratefully	10

2.1.1 The LoG	10

2.2 Future Work	11

Appendix A: Gnu Generalisms	12

A.1 Definitions	12

Bibliography	16

Figures

Figure 1.1: Beloved campus Gnu Glen checking the state of the lawn on the main quad (A). Contrast this image with the mugshot of a squirrel recently spotted prowling the grounds (B). Although a Gnu’s inherent furry cuteness makes it easy to mistake one for a squirrel, Gnus are much more polite and lack the beady eyes and suspicious demeanor of a squirrel.	2

Figure 1.2: Gnu food preference, by percentage, during the sample period. This figure is small enough that both the figure and the caption will fit on one page.	5

Figure 1.3: Gnu food preferences during the sample period (A) and a closer look at junk food preference only (B). In this example, the figure is too large to fit on the same page as the caption, so the caption comes first, with the graphic following on the next page.	6

Figure A. 1 Campus Gnu Godfrey, enjoying the spoils of an Easter egg hunt. (Photo: Regina Gesicki. Used with permission.)	15

Tables

Table 1.1 Where Gnus Like to Eat	3

Table 1.2 What Gnus Like to Eat on the Notre Dame Campus	4

Table A. 1 Alphabetical List of Most Frequently Sighted Gnus, with Defining Characteristics	13

Preface

I would like to preface this work with all the wonderful things that Gnus have brought to our society: trees, dirt, flowers, grass, lakes, and other earthly-things. We should not forget them in our daily lives.

Additionally, we should offer them food for all their hard work. In fact, Gnus work so hard that they sleep for the colder half of the year. As such, they tend to grow a little rotund. Humans should not fault them for this, as it is necessary for their survival. Indeed, many humans grow rotund on their own accord!

Acknowledgments

I would like to acknowledge all the loving Gnus at Notre Dame. Particularly the one that comes to the window in the Hayes Healy building. He (she?) has given me much inspiration, love, and dirt. I would also like to thank my advisor, Dr. Gary Greenfield, with whom this work would not have been possible.

Finally, I would like to thank the U.S. Government, Department of Gnus, for their generous grant, number GNU3042920920.3, which allowed me to pursue my work.

Introduction

Overview

This is an overview of the introduction. In here, I will use many, many buzzwords and other legalistic-types of terms, mostly beginning on the expounding of the holistic and synergistic energy that Gnus bring to our organizations.

Background

In preparation for reading this dissertation, I would highly recommend reading some of the other material available on Gnus [3, 4]. They are very well written and will give you a fuller understanding of Gnus.

As shown in Figure 1.1, Gnus are frequently mistaken for squirrels. They are not squirrels. They are Gnus. Don’t call them squirrels, either (unless you have food in your hand); they tend to get a bit upset. If you have food in your hand, they tend to ignore this insult and accept your food as a peace offering.

A

B

Figure 1.1: Beloved campus Gnu Glen checking the state of the lawn on the main quad (A). Contrast this image with the mugshot of a squirrel recently spotted prowling the grounds (B). Although a Gnu’s inherent furry cuteness makes it easy to mistake one for a squirrel, Gnus are much more polite and lack the beady eyes and suspicious demeanor of a squirrel.

Foreground

Table 1.1 shows some feeding frequencies for where Gnus like to eat around the Notre Dame campus. Gnus have work weeks, just like humans do, hence the much lower frequencies on weekends. This can lead us to conclude that Gnu weekend shifts are much smaller than the normal work-week shifts. In fact, we can attempt to parameterize the sighting frequency, F, by the student population, type of food, and day of the week as:

F = F(p, f, d)	(1.1)

Table 1.1
Where Gnus Like to Eat

Location	Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
Front of Dome	1	5	6	5	4	5	1
Stonehenge	2	9	10	12	9	14	2
The Rock	1	3	4	3	4	3	0
The ACC	3	4	5	5	5	4	1
Dining Halls	5	14	12	13	14	12	3

Gnus typically tend to come out when there are large gatherings of humans with food. Gnus work very hard at providing us with all the things that we like (trees, dirt, air, etc.), and so we should freely give them food. They will come up and stand a respectful distance away from you, waiting to see if they will be rewarded for their efforts. If you offer some food, they will take it and back off a respectful distance in order to consume their food while leaving you to your “personal space.”

Table 1.2 shows what Gnus typically like to eat.

Table 1.2
What Gnus Like to Eat on the Notre Dame Campus

Food	Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
Twinkies	1	5	6	5	4	5	1
Ding Dongs	2	9	10	12	9	14	2
Carrots	1	3	4	3	4	3	0
Lettuce	3	4	5	5	5	4	1
Twizzlers	5	14	12	13	14	12	3
Jawbreakers	2	3	5	2	3	4	2

NOTE: Listed by average number of sightings on a weekday

Figure 1.2 and Figure 1.3 highlight some of the data from Table 1.2, coincidentally giving the author a chance to show off examples of oversized figures.

Figure 1.2: Gnu food preference, by percentage, during the sample period. This figure is small enough that both the figure and the caption will fit on one page.

Figure 1.3: Gnu food preferences during the sample period (A) and a closer look at junk food preference only (B). In this example, the figure is too large to fit on the same page as the caption, so the caption comes first, with the graphic following on the next page.

(A)

(B)

The majority of Gnus on campus are very conscious of decorum and show exquisite manners as they nibble on their snacks. To avoid unwittingly contributing to an embarrassing fur faux-pas, one should not offer the following foods to a Gnu, lest they end up with matted fur and a cross disposition:

Bubblegum – the Gnus cannot resist the temptation to blow bubbles, which nearly always ends in sticky fur and whiskers askew

Popsicles – while delicious and cool in the summer, these tend to result in sticky paws

Cheetos and Doritos – it is a good policy in general to minimize any involvement with mysterious “cheese powder” products

Groovin’ Gnus

Gnus do tend to stay away from humans in their normal day-to-day workings. This is mainly because humans don’t, for the most part, understand what they are doing. If a Gnu is working, and a human approaches it, the Gnu will tend to drop whatever it is doing and run away. This is probably due to the tendency for humans to have “group meetings” and “productivity seminars.” Most Gnus are deathly afraid of such over-management, and run at the slightest hint of it, for fear that it will cripple their real work.

It is interesting, however, that Gnus have chosen an Institution of Higher Education for their BoO. It is often said that:

Academic politics are the dirtiest, meanest, ugliest, and generally the most low-down, in-your-face, and kick-‘em-while-they’re-down than anywhere else (even Washington D.C.) because the stakes are so low.

It has been hypothesized that the Gnus are subtly trying to affect a change for the better (i.e., eliminating the over-management problems) by working the very system that they are trying to change, from within. That is, the graduates from Notre Dame can learn from the examples of the Gnus here, and run screaming (or chattering) at the slightest hint of over-management, and let the real work proceed unhindered.

Gnu Things Are Good Things for All Graduate Students

Gnu See, Gnu Do, Gnu Goes Golfing with Green Golf Genes and Gesticulates Gratefully

So why do gnus do what they do? This is a perennial question that has yet to be answered definitively by scientists. Is their future somehow tied inexplicably with that of humans? Hard to say, but we do feed them a lot. It has even been theorized that rotundness is a symbol of status or class within the Gnus; those who are more productive (i.e., cute, furry, friendly) will be fed more than those who are less so. So the more rotund, the higher status one has in the Gnu society.

One could extrapolate this to mean that there is a super-Gnu out there somewhere; the biggest, rotundest Gnu that you’ve ever seen, probably of epic proportions! This would have to be the Leader of Gnus, or LoG for short. But the LoG would definitely have to be the cutest, furriest, and most friendly Gnu that you’ve ever seen.

The LoG

So how does the LoG get chosen? Ultimately, by humans. So we can say that the Gnu society is perhaps the truest democracy that has ever existed; the leader is chosen by merit, and chosen by complete outsiders. As such, the LoG must truly epitomize all that Gnus stand for: opposedness to overmanagement, cuteness, friendliness, and furriness [2]. The gnus themselves vote at an annual election, based upon these attributes.

Future Work

Plans for future surveys and friendly follow-ups will be implemented in conjunction with NDSP, with the goal of reducing the number of Gnus attempting to follow students into LaFun.

Gnu Generalisms

Definitions

Table A. 1 shows the most frequently sighted Gnus on campus, along with notable defining characteristics such as favorite treat, personality type, and favorite vacation spot. Observations recorded are current as of December 2018.

Table A. 1
Alphabetical List of Most Frequently Sighted Gnus, with Defining Characteristics

Name	Sightings	M/F	Favorite Food	Personality	Favorite Vacation Spot
Gabi	4	F	Twizzler	Friendly	Hawaii
Gadfrey	5	M	Ramen	Anxious	Hesburgh, 10th Floor
Gaia	7	F	Quiche	High-maintenance	Paris
Gal	12	F	Tacos	Chill	New Orleans
Galadriel	100	F	Lembas	Loremaster	Lothlorien
Galifrey	13	M	Custard and fish fingers	Manic	The Library
Gallagher	8	M	Watermelons	Comedian	Memphis
Gareth	10	M	Scones	Calm	Cardiff
Gene	12	M	Sushi	Artistic	Chicago
Gennedy	5	M	Cheese omelette	Genius	The Laboratory
Gennedy	6	M	Cheese omelet	Studious	The Laboratory
Geoffrey	18	M	Mousse	Connoisseur	Birmingham
George	12	M	Twizzler	Friendly	New Orleans
Georgiana	12	F	Twix	Curious	Fargo
Geraint	3	M	Twizzler	Happy	Indianapolis
Geraldine	9	F	Circus peanuts	Sweet	London
Geraldo	3	M	Acorns	Controversial	L.A.
Gerda	9	F	Schnitzel	Traditionalist	New York
Geronimo	5	M	Chili	Thrillseeker	Chicago
Gerry	3	M	Acorns	Sleepy	Austin
Gertrude	6	F	Twizzler	Friendly	Hawaii
Gimli	139	M	M&Ms	Warriorr	Undermountain
Ginnifer	7	F	Twizzler	High-maintenance	Paris
Gnorm	5	M	Whatever you're eating	Mooch	Your couch
Gnorville	8	M	M&Ms	Rebel	Memphis
Godfrey	7	M	Easter candy	Artistic	Dublin
Godiva	7	F	Chocolate	Compassionate	Coventry
Gonzalez	5	M	Quiche	Genius	The Laboratory
Guinevere	7	F	Twizzler	Fashionista	New York
Guiseppe	6	M	Taco Supreme	Friendly	Miami
Gygax	20	M	Doritos	Rules lawyer	Samarkand

Figure A. 1 Campus Gnu Godfrey, enjoying the spoils of an Easter egg hunt. (Photo: Regina Gesicki. Used with permission.)

Bibliography

1. G. Galmira, Gnus and the military – a secret conspiracy? Growing Towards Gnu, III(7): 22–183 (September 1998).

2. G. Gloonston, Newly discovered gnus: The LoG. Growing Towards Gnu, II(12): 23–57 (March 1998).

3. Gnus and Y. T. A. of Being New, Gerry Ganston and Gary Greenfield, volume I. Grapping Books, NY (August 1998).

4. G. Greenfield, Getting to Know Gnu. Ph.D. thesis, Geoffrey Garfield School of Gnus (August 1996).

This is frequently mistaken for the chattering and scampering away. Gnus are actually quite polite; they will leave if they have nothing nice to say, for fear of saying something offensive. Here’s an example of a footnote block quote:

Popular Gnu snack choices include black licorice, carrots, popcorn, jellybeans, pretzels, nuts, chips, and just about anything they can steal from the yappy dog’s back yard.

According to Greenfield [4], several Gnus have gone on record wishing that acorns came with a built-in cross-referencing feature similar to that in Word.

Base of Operations.